Marriage

Marriage –

According to the United States Census Bureau, 5 out of 10 marriages fail. Yet, everyday proposals still happen and couples spend thousands of dollars on extravagant weddings. Isn’t this odd that men and women continue to believe that although statistics suggest that half of all marriages fail, we do it anyway. Seems crazy! And unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore whether you are religious or not. There was a time when couples who shared and practiced faith increased their probability of staying together. That’s not the case anymore. Why do we continue to pursue what seems destined to fail?

This coming February, my Bride and I will celebrate 34 years. How in the world have we been one of the 50% of couples that have stayed together? Do you wonder what the difference is between couples who make it and those who don’t? I do. When I witness divorce and the effects it has on the couple as well as the children, it causes me to question, why? Given how in love they were when they got married (and spent all that money) and must have experienced some great times together like dating, the wedding, traveling, having children, making a home and possibly even experiencing grandchildren, why couldn’t they manage to work through the issues and stay together?

When my wife and I met, one of the things we had in common was a desire to get married and more specifically to do marriage better than our parents. On our first date, we actually verbalized this goal. My wife’s parents got married when they were a little older after each having had a prior marriage and children, and my parents got married when my mom was 14 and dad 21. Both sets of parents finished life together but their example was not all inspiring. In fact, I still have issues today with my mother over how she treated my dad and my wife would say that although her parents loved each other very much, their relationship was very unique and involved much dysfunction. Yet, we were still both excited about marriage and were somehow confident that we could do better. It seems there is something that makes us think we can make it. I love that! I wonder if this is a part of the Creators image on us that causes us to pursue His design against our culture’s odds? I think so.

I love our story! It’s a story of a 21-year-old girl and a 20-year-old boy finding each other while living across the street. Our first date (August 3, 1984) was an impromptu meeting in our front yards followed by a motorcycle ride to the beach. We talked for hours that day about what we wanted in life – to get married, to have children, be a strong family and grow to be good and productive people. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember thinking, this is the girl! She is absolutely beautiful, incredibly kind, smart, fun, and we want the same things out of life. That very week I would begin planning the proposal. Within three weeks I had proposed, she said yes, and on February 9, 1985 (only 6 months later) we were married. Lucky, Lucky, (BLESSED) me!! But, surely our odds had been even less of making it, proposing after only three weeks and only a six-month engagement. Odds were against us for sure.

Since that time, it has been crazy. From our first little rental house in Norwalk, California to today’s home in Loganville, Georgia. We’ve been, what most would call, very fortunate financially and yet, we’ve been without. We’ve bought and sold houses but also lost two homes. We’ve enjoyed a steady income but also been unemployed for so long we went broke. We’ve been down and we’ve recovered. We’ve been so blessed to do life with two wonderful sons now ages 31 and 27, a sweet daughter-in-law and most recently the most beautiful granddaughter in the world. From 1985 in California to Georgia today, we’ve moved too many times, houses have come and gone, I’ve had too many different jobs, but through it all we have been surrounded by family (both blood and church) and great friends, have only experienced two churches (1 in California and 1 in Georgia), and yet through the craziness, we’ve never considered divorce.

I believe my wife is an absolute, 10. I am sure this is one of the reasons we are still together. She grew up wanting to be a wife and mother, and she could be the poster-woman for both. Really! When it comes to loving and caring for her husband and family, she is Da’Woman! She is kind, loving, and only wants the best for those around her. She has rolled with every circumstance life has given us and always made wonderful lemonade out of lemons. Every house we’ve ever lived in, she has made a wonderful Home. Every move we’ve made (even in foreclosure), she picked up our family and made the best out of the mess I created. Today, she has grown into such a Godly woman who clearly understands the love her God has for her and her family and she strives to live that out daily. She is an absolute gift to me and her family!

But, she’s not perfect, right? None of us are and it’s our many imperfections that challenge us to remain married. I admit at times, she has been hard to love. But, how has she continued loving me? I know how difficult I have been. If she was writing this BLOG, she could go on and on, and on about my life mistakes and imperfections. There are too many to count. However, she has always remained by my side, completely committed to our life together. I am confident that she has wished she wasn’t married to me on occasion, (many occasions) but she has never even hinted that she wanted out.

What molds our views and approach to marriage? For me, I watched a father who regularly said that he “worshiped the ground my mother walked on!” He worshiped my mom? That sounds strange. He was in my opinion loyal to a fault. His marine corps training taught him to be loyal and to honor his commitments and he did that. Through a very difficult marriage, he never left her and even when she left him, he remained loyal and waited for her return, which happened.

All this to say that my wife and I did not have examples that would be major contributors to us “making it”. Nor did we grow up in a religious environment that would help. However, in the last 30 years of marriage we have been Christians and in church most Sundays. Beyond the good Biblical teaching we’ve received on marriage what we’ve also had is a mutual respect for each other and an understanding that we (and our family) would be better together than apart. Not that it has been easy to stay together, but it would be easier than not. I give credit where credit is due. I believe that participating in a local church has helped us significantly. Attending church on Sunday’s and listening to good Bible teaching, being a part of a church family where we’ve developed relationships with other couples who share their struggles and who are willing to do life together, helps a lot. Additionally, becoming a Christian and learning that we are called to put other people before ourselves relates to marriage in a big way. As we’ve learned this principle, we’ve started with the closest person to us, each other. As we’ve learned to place each other’s needs before our own, we see less selfishness and more servanthood. I know the word servant causes some of us to wrinkle your foreheads. But that’s right, servanthood. My wife and I have come to understand that we are to serve each other. To do all we can to be there for each other. If we have needs, it is us who meets those needs.

I’ve not met many divorced people who don’t regret the divorce. Oh, they may be glad they’re not having to put up with their x-spouse’s behavior, attitude, or lifestyle. But, when it’s all said and done and the kids have been split between the two of them, the attorneys are done (and paid), and the visitation and assets are decided upon, and they have moved on, I say if most people are honest, they regret having gone through a divorce. Truth is, that most people who get divorced once, get divorced again. Did you know that 50% of 1st marriages divorce, 60% of 2nd marriages divorce, and 73% of 3rd marriages divorce? That’s according to the United States Census Bureau. It’s also true that marriages that divorce only last about 8 years.

I’ve heard it said that maybe God created marriage not to make us happy but to make us holy. That will cause a doubletake. What does that mean? I think it means that marriage is THE place where we learn to; serve others, put others before yourself, learn patience, kindness, forgiveness, and understanding. Let’s be honest, who in our lives do we “put up with” the most? Who tries our patience and drives us crazier than our spouse? Not mine, of course! “I love you, Babe!” However, I know that I try every ounce of patience my wife has. It is in a marriage where God teaches us to love when we don’t want to. This relationship is where He teaches us to really forgive. This most important relationship is where we husbands learn to be men instead of boys and put household budgets before our toys and buddies – and our wives, give, give, give! Moms give up everything they used to shop for in place of what is best for the family. This is where moms and dads come home and sacrifice the rest they need from work in exchange for serving their spouse and their children. It is a marriage that moves us from being selfish to selfless.

Or does it? What if we get married and don’t change? What if couples decide that they will keep their own agendas and that my wants and needs come before your wants and needs? What if marriage is only a contractual living arrangement/relationship and love and respect don’t develop? I suggest to you that if you do not learn to surrender yourself and place your spouse’s needs before yourself, that you are headed for disappointment and potentially failure. I believe another misconception is what we see in the elevator scene from Jerry McGuire which suggests “You Complete Me”. This is one of the most misleading thoughts we face in marriage. We think if we get married that this person will answer all my needs. We have expectations that my spouse will make me happy, feed my ego and self-esteem. It is this idea that two imperfect/messed-up people are going to come together and fix one another. WRONG! What we end up with then is two messed-up selfish people being a messed-up self-centered couple. We say things like, “I’ll put her first when she puts me first” and the other way around. Until someone goes first, and I suggest it should be the man, we will experience what some call the “crazy cycle”. We need to admit that we all stumble in many ways. We all have baggage and things we should work on. What if we worked on ourselves and got emotionally and spiritually healthy. Only then will we really learn to serve the other. If our expectations are that my wife or husband will repair all my years of poor self-esteem or addictions, or that my personal issues will not be an issue once I get married, you are WRONG again. It doesn’t work that way. If we aren’t emotionally healthy when we get married, it will only get worse. Get some help. Take time to work on ourself before we negatively contribute to a marriage, and later children.

We all bring stuff into relationships and especially marriage. Most of us are not entirely healthy, especially emotionally. So, give each other some grace and be patient with one another. Remember, this is the most important relationship we’ll ever experience. Again, this is where we learn to be kind, forgiving, compassionate people.

I am so grateful to my wife for staying by my side and supporting us while we’ve worked to be husband and wife. I am thankful we’ve never given up. It is only through a constant commitment to finish life together that we will finish together.

Here’s my advice:

• Seek God first and keep Him at the center of your own life and your marriage.
• Learn Biblical principles and apply those principles first in your marriage.
• Live sacrificially, placing your spouse’s needs and wants before your own.
• Husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church, Wives respect your husbands.
• Maybe God gave us marriage to refine us making us holy, not happy.
• Don’t forget, we ALL stumble in many ways. Learn to be kind and forgiving.
• We are not able to “complete” each other, only God can do that.
• We are ALL a work in progress and God is not done with us yet.
• When it seems, you’ve run out of options, seek good Godly counsel.
• Remember, anything is possible with God!